"This Hearing is now in Session" said Captain Alastair McIntyre in his favourite official voice, " Read The Charges Number 1".
1st Officer Duncan stood and read out the Charge Sheet for Lt. Histon's Court Marshall " Lt. Histon, you are charged with Behaviour Unbecoming of a Star Fleet Officer, Wilfull misuse of a Replicator for your own sexual pleasures, Indecent Exposure and Assault of another Crew Member, how do you plead ?"
"Not Guilty, you pompous git, alright I admit that I replicated rather a lot of cucumbers and mayonnaise, and that I was improperly dressed when I legged it from that knife-weilding madwoman of a Housekeeper but she was trying to cut off my privates and I bet you'd have done the same in my position " replied Histon firmly.
" That's hardly the question Mr. Histon, I wouldn't have got into "that position" would I ?", said The Captain, hoping that nobody knew about the time that he and the Housekeeper had nearly been caught whilst covered from head to foot in chilli sauce. " I take it that you do confess to these actions and that it's up to the Court Marshall to determine whether they constitute Guilt or not ?"
"Do what you like, I don't really like it here anyway, I don't feel safe when that woman is on the loose - why isn't she on a Charge of Attempted Bodily Harm ?" enquired The Accused.
"She claims you attacked her with a cucumber" butted in Counsellor Ashcroft " and that sounds pretty pervy to me, remember I'm trained to deal with pervies".
"Pretty bloody appropriate if you ask me " replied Histon " You think it's normal to ponce around in that blue dress do you ? Anyway, Palmer likes f***in cucumbers"
Scotty Bremner looked uncomfortable, her cucumber fettish had been all his fault some time previously when he'd persuaded her that they were better than parsnips.
The voice of Ensign So came over the intercom " Captain, I'm getting a priority message on the open channels"
"On audio" said Captain McIntyre.
The intercom crackled... " Hi ! This is Tim Trahan, author of the PCB Description Grabber. Your Crew Members have used it 10 billion times"
"Oh piss off" said The Captain.
"But you havn't registered it " complained the voice indignantly.
"Right, you're twit-filtered" said McIntyre.
"About bloody time" said Cmdr Flacks, sipping his vodka.
"Back to business, Lt. Histon, this Court Marshall finds you Guilty of all Charges. We will now adjourn to consider your sentence" said The Captain.
Lt. Histon continued to look seriously unimpressed with the Captain. Housekeeper Palmer eyed him viciously. Scotty Bremner eyed her knowingly and Cmdr. Flacks eyed her longingly yet innocently, "One day it'll be my turn" he mused to himself.
The gossip was flowing freely in The Club on Deck 21 .......
"Mayonnaise eh ?", said Lt. Greenlees, The Club Manageress
Ensign Skinner ( who'd sneaked in unnoticed ) put his bottle of baby oil back in his pocket. He'd been hoping to attract an older woman with it and he had his eye on the feisty long-legged Manageress.
" I'm a bit of a salad buff myself", said Lt. Whitcombe to the Manageress, " Perhaps you'd like to join me in some coleslaw one evening ?".
" Oooooh, that's an idea .... how about tonight ?" she said with a twinkle in her eye.
Back in the Courtroom, the sentence was about to be announced ...
To Be Continued .......
| Previous episode | Index |